Are you going through a divorce? It doesn’t have to be stressful. Here are some tips for an amicable divorce.
The dissolution of a marriage is heart-wrenching. You may feel lost, angry, frightened, or any other number of emotions. To top it off, you may also be confused about what to do in a divorce. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers.
One thing is for certain, though. An amicable divorce is easier to navigate than one that is contentious. But how can you ensure an amicable divorce in the midst of so much strife?
Unless your soon-to-be ex-partner has done something completely egregious or criminal, it is possible to move through your divorce without it drowning in rage and anger.
It just takes some work. Follow these ten steps.
- Consider Your Children
If you have children, think about what they’re experiencing. It’s easy to believe that you are ruining their lives with your divorce, but remember that they’re resilient. Children want and need a harmonious home.
An amicable divorce will create a far more stable environment than one where you’re always fighting with your spouse under the same roof. Because regardless of what you might feel, your kids still love both you and your ex. They don’t want to be in the middle of your battles.
- Avoid Rash Decisions
Emotions run high during a divorce and it’s all too easy to make decisions from a place of anger. This is never a good idea.
Divorce lawyers can tell you about the many times they’ve been contacted by clients who have acted out of revenge or vindictiveness, only to later regret their decisions. Once you have a legally binding agreement, it’s very difficult to undo it.
- Be Willing to Accept Help
You don’t need to go through your divorce alone. Nor should you. Divorce can be an incredibly isolating time just on its own. So if friends or family offer their help, accept it gracefully.
Sometimes you just need a good sounding board. Beyond that, they may even be able to share with you experiences they’ve had that will make your own divorce easier. You never know.
- Resist the Blame Game
It is human nature to ascribe blame when something goes wrong. Yet, regardless of who may be more to blame for the dissolution of your marriage, no progress can be made if you’re embroiled in the blame game.
Divorces can quickly become messy and confrontational. But removing blame from interactions with your ex will allow for more open discussions and increase the likelihood of reaching an agreement. So you have to accept that your marriage is over and do your best to move forward peacefully.
- Foster a Cooperative Relationship
Part of keeping the peace is cultivating the ability to agree to disagree.
In the spirit of productive cooperation, you have to let some things go. Understand that you can’t win every time. And come to grips with the fact that if you have children, this person will be in your life for a long time. So learning the skill of putting aside strong emotions now will pay off later.
- Embrace Mediation
No matter how peaceful and cooperative you may be in your intentions, there may be times where you and your ex reach an impasse. And no matter how much you try to agree on something, it just isn’t happening.
This is the time to turn to a mediator who has the experience and legal knowledge to help couples reach an agreement. Having a third person in the ring to offer an unbiased point of view is a highly effective way to settle legal disputes.
- Get Everything in Writing
Even if you already have an agreeable relationship with your future ex, it’s still a good idea to get every verbal agreement in writing. You just never know how the situation may change down the road. It’s not uncommon for partners to trust each other initially, but then have one (or both) renege on a verbal agreement.
Keep in mind that issues of money and parenting are emotional and potentially volatile topics. So keep a record of all agreements and be precise with the details. That way, if anything does change, you have proof of the agreement.
- Organize Your Paperwork
In most marriages, there is one partner who manages the household finances. But in the midst of a divorce, you’ll both want to be involved.
That means that you’ll need to sit together and make a schedule of all of your matrimonial assets. You’ll also need to disclose to one another all non-matrimonial assets.
While the idea of doing anything together at this point might be patently unappealing, this one is well worth the effort. Personal finances are often intertwined and you’ll be better off taking control of what’s best for each of you rather than hiring lawyers to figure it out.
- Be Clear about Rules and Consequences
No matter how agreeable you may be with your ex, divorce is a stressful time. Even if you do everything in your power to have an amicable divorce, there are times where you or your ex may react negatively under so much stress.
So it helps to define a set of rules right at the onset of negotiations. There should also be clarity about the consequences should the rules be broken.
- Allow the Relationship to Evolve
It’s rare that any divorce ends with a hug, a handshake, and the promise of eternal friendship. Even in an exceedingly amicable divorce, this is unusual.
That doesn’t mean you won’t be friends in the future though. Just give yourself time and space to think through your feelings and adjust to life post-divorce first. Then let everything evolve in its own sweet time.
It will be so much more genuine if you don’t force it.
Now You Know What to Do in a Divorce
Knowing what to do in a divorce to keep it amicable is only half the battle. Your ex needs to be on board as well. So if they aren’t, don’t beat yourself up over it.
Just do your best to follow the above steps, even if just for your own sanity. Then let the cards fall where they will.
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